


The New Romantic Twit of the Year

by yourlibrarian



Category: Duran Duran, Monty Python's Flying Circus
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fusion, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-20
Updated: 2020-03-20
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:07:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23234461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yourlibrarian/pseuds/yourlibrarian
Summary: Answering the perhaps unnecessary question, what if the members of Duran Duran were part of a Monty Python skit?
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2





	The New Romantic Twit of the Year

**Author's Note:**

> Content from an August 1983 recording a friend and I made after a Monty Python marathon. The tape is no more, the ideas still tickle us.
> 
> For clarification, content in parentheses were sound effects and dialogue clips. We also decided to update the skit when the band members changed in 1989, so one follows the other here.

#1 - (Magical Mystery Tour intro)

Hello, good morning, good afternoon or good evening, this tape will not include the family dog, biting parrots, philosophical journeys into the unknown, or any significant political statements. 

(#2- Sufragette City clip)

But since every correspondent Duran Duran has ever heard from has insisted on saying what they think of them, either explicitly or illegibly, we'll do the same. So as not to pick favorites, we'll go alphabetically.

Simon, you're first! What a surprise. Actually, there isn't anything we could say about you that you couldn't say better for yourself, and have, so we'll go on to Nick.

Nick, you'll be delighted to know that one of us has coloured her hair, yes, coloured her hair in your honor. Actually, her hairdresser did it by mistake. We'll let you ponder on which colour it is for a while. 

Andy, we'd like to offer you greatly belated wedding congratulations. Since we only started being bombarded with you hourly on MTV recently, we missed the original event. Long before we began to regard you as mere sexual objects, we heard one of you was married. We were greatly relieved to find out it wasn't John.

John, we'd like to thank you for reminding Simon not to forget Roger's introduction on MTV's New Year's broadcast. Don't feel bad about it, Simon. We forgot Roger too -- see?

(#3- Edith Piaf)

Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to welcome you to the 45th annual New Romantic Twit of the Year Contest-Extravaganza. The contest itself will consist of five events and the first contestant to successfully complete the race will be this year's recipient of the New Romantic Twit of the Year award.

This year's contestants are Nicholas "I'm-a-Gemini-I-suppose-that-explains-everything" Bates Electric Piano the First, who works as a professional camera lens and whose hobbies include confusing small children as well as baffling scientists.

Next we have Andy "How-in-the-hell-did-I-ever-end-up-with-all-these-strange-people" Taylor the Second who works as a lead guitarist for a popular band but who would rather be painting his kitchen than getting thrown off schooners.

There is Simon John Charles Phillip Arthur George Le Beaux Le Beaux Le Bon the Third who works as a habit for nuns and whose accomplishments include giving birth to triplets and teaching Brahma bulls how to bossa nova.

Last there is Nigel Nigel Hyphen Hyphen Taylor the Thrust who is a glass cutter and serves as a part time bar stool on weekends and holidays.

And now to begin the race we--oh--excuse us, there does seem to be a fifth contestant, Mr. Roger "Why-am-I-always-left-out-of-everything" Taylor the Last who is a writer for "name your band" books and whose hobbies include sacrificing small reptiles. He has just completed a documentary on the natural instincts of Indian elephants.

We are now ready to begin the race. The contestants are standing on the dotted line and are awaiting the sound of the gun.

(#4-Dynamite sound)

Uhm--there seems to have been some confusion on the part of the contestants. They were not aware that they were to begin the race at the sound of the gun. They are currently being informed of the rules by the Medici family.

Everything seems to be resolved now. The gun is going off again and the contestants have begun the race. Wait a minute, ladies and gentlemen. There seems to be some difficulty. The third contestant, Simon --ehr, bla, bla the Third seems to be stuck on the dotted line. Now two of the contestants have turned around and gone back to Simon to see just what's going on.

(#5- "What's going on? Simon? Simon?")

It appears that someone is waving a box of Quality Street chocolates at the finishing line.

(#6- "Raiders of the Lost Ark" theme)

Simon is up! He is in the race!

Now in the first event the five contestant have to chase a red ball through a mock forest. And Roger is in the lead!

There seems to be some confusion as Nick has stopped running and is dribbling the ball in a circle. Andy? Where's Andy? Andy seems to have lost himself behind a forest of oak backdrops.

Oh, Roger is having problems now. He does not seem to know his own strength and has lodged his ball in the uppermost branches of a tree. Simon, who does seem to have a great deal of practice in this event, is taking the lead.

(#7- Car screeching and crashing)

Where did that car come from? That's the second event! The driver seems to be Nigel Taylor the Thrust who has narrowly missed Nick, who had stopped to confuse a small child, but who is running now. He has torn through some of the oak backdrops and ... oh, there's Andy!

Nigel has hit a tree. He is all right and is proceeding onwards. Fortunately, he dislodged Roger's ball and now all the contestants have reached the second event.

In this second event the contestants are supposed to learn how to drive. Nigel has already passed this event and is contuning on to the third event, viciously mowing down everything in his path.

Nick was getting too distracted and so now is pushing the car towards the end line. Slow but sure Nick.

Roger seems to be having some problems opening the car door.

(#8- Sound of metal)

Oh wait, he's torn the door completely off it's hinges and is now in the driver's seat.

Simon seems to have completely misunderstood the event and is in the car's back seat. No, Simon, you drive it from the front. Sharp lad that one.

And it looks like Andy has run himself over, thus disabling himself from the race.

The contestants are now at the third event which is breaking glass. Nick appears to be trying to break his glass by covering his face. It does not seem to be working.

Nigel has run over his crystal ball, causing a flat, and is swerving. There now, he seems to have run over Nick, thus disqualifying Nick and an uncredited Third World native from the race.

Roger seems to have no problem breaking his glass and Simon insists on breaking everyone else's glass and throwing it in the road.

The next event is the pull-the-bra-off-the-mannequin contest. Roger is approaching the mannequin and -- good Lord-- the bra seems to have sprung off into his hand!

Nigel appears to be trying to get the bra off of Simon's mannequin. Oh no, Nigel, be fair. The boys are now squabbling over the mannequin and \-- Nigel's mannequin has taken off her own bra and thrown it at Simon!

Nigel, always one step ahead, has taken a gun and blown the bra completely off the mannequin, or should we say, blown the mannequin completely out from under the bra.

Roger and Simon have now reached the final event with Nigel close behind. In this last event the contestants must try and shoot themselves in the head.

Simon has just stabbed himself in the heart and is out of the race.

(#10- Gunshots)

Nigel has just shot Martin Fry, last year's winner who was in the audience.

Roger seems to be having some problems with his gun and -- no--it's gone off and he has just shot Nigel in the head. It would seem that Roger is the only contestant to finish the race, but since his self-preservation instincts are too strong we have no winner this year.

In fact, this may be the last New Romantic Twit of the Year Contest Extravaganza. We are finished with this phase and are going on to a new event, the New Sophisticate Twit, next year. We hope you will join us.

This has been an EMI production.

Funded by EMI.

Directed by EMI.

Produced by EMI.

An EMI film.

Polaroids by EMI.

We would also like to extend thanks to John Cleese and the late Martin Fry.

### THE MOST WASHTUP POP STAR CONTEST

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome one and all to the 7th annual Washtup Popstars of the Year Award, formerly the Most Excessive Popstars of the Year Contest, formerly the New Romantic Twit of the Year Contest-Extravaganza. The contest itself will consist of five events and the first contestant to successfully complete the race will be this year's recipient of the New Most Excessive, Washtup Romantic Twit of the Year award.

This year's contestants are Nicholas "I'm-A-Gemini-I-Suppose-That-Explains-Everything" Electric Piano the First, who works as a professional camera lens and whose hobbies include confusing small children as well as schmoozing with the Andy Warhol bunch.

There is Simon John Charles Phillip Arthur George Le Beaux Le Beaux Le Bon Le Big LeWhew!Mon-dieu-je-vai-souspire-qu'estcequec'est-une-missile-trident-ne-pensez-vous-pas-qu'il-est-ridicule-de-jeter-de-petits-mots- français-dans-la-conversation?-the Third who works as a habit for nuns and whose accomplishments include swearing on public broadcasts.

Last there is Nigel Nigel Hyphen Hyphen (Oh-my-god-honey-do-you-think-he's-sick) Taylor the Thrust, mannequin and indulger extraordinaire, who is a professional glass cutter, and serves as a part time bar stool on weekends and holidays.

And finally we have Warren Cuccurrullo, rumoured to have been at one time a charmed Norfkin troll that Gepetto the toy-maker breathed life into after Pinochio ran off to join an American soap opera, and is now seen on MTV doing a remake of an old David Essex song.

We are now ready to begin the race. The contestants are standing on the dotted line and are awaiting the sound of the gun.

Oh pardon, there seems to be a fifth contestant, Mr. Sterling Campbell, who is so non-obtrusive and has no particularly obvious character flaws to pick on, that we won't.

And the race is on! (Silence) Ahem! And the race is on!

Uhm--there seems to have been some confusion on the part of the contestants. No one told the promoters they were supposed to fire the gun to get the race going. What? No one paid the promoters? You say they want to phase this little contest out, what? Er, uh. Excuse me. A little interference from the headphones. The promoters are set and are currently being informed of the rules by the Rabiduranfan Hotline.

Everything seems to be resolved now. The gun is going off again and the contestants have begun the race. Wait a minute, ladies and gentlemen. There seems to be some difficulty. The third contestant, Simon --ehr, bla, bla the Third seems to be dancing on the dotted line. Now two of the contestant have turned around and gone back to Simon to see just what's going on.

(#5- "What's going on? Simon? Simon?")

Just a moment, it appears that Simon's mother Ann Le Bon is waving a box of Quality Street chocolates at the finishing line.

(#6- "Raiders of the Lost Ark" theme)

Simon is up! He is in the race!

Now in the first event the five contestants have to chase a red ball through a mock forest. And look! It's Simon in the lead! (So what did you expect?)

It sems that Nick, distracted, has stopped chasing the ball and has found a group of trendy scene-makers to hobnob with.

Warren has lost interest in chasing the ball, and has begun wrapping the mock trees with tinfoil. My god, these popstars are strange!

Sterling? Where's Sterling? He seems to have lost his way in the forest of oak backdrops. Several Rabiduranfans are now trying to locate him by means of duranwalkietalkie.

(#7- Car screeching and crashing)

Where did that car come from? That's the second event! The driver seems to be Nigel Taylor the Thrust who has narrowly missed Nick, who had stopped to confuse a small child, but who is running now. He has torn through some of the oak backdrops and ... oh, there's Sterling now!

Nigel has hit a tree. He is all right and is proceeding onwards. My god! He's run over Warren Cuccurullo! And the crowds are cheering!

Now for the second event! The contestants are supposed to learn how to drive. Nigel has already passed this event and is continuing on to the third event, viciously mowing down everything in his path.

Nick has gotten into the back seat of his car and is waiting for someone to drive him to the third event.

Simon, unfortunately,is having a bit of difficulty. It seems that someone has painted the side of the car with "SIMON IS MY WUBBY POOKY BEAR!" and Simon has vehemently refused to get into it. At this very moment he is screaming for someone to take it away and bring him a new one! In fact, he is kicking the car and threatening one of the attendants, calling him a bloody arsehole! My god! Will the madness never end!

And it looks like Sterling has run himself over, and is thus disqualified from the race. And to be honest, I don't much think anyone has even noticed.

The contestants are now at the third event which is breaking glass. Nick appears to be trying to break his glass by covering his face. It does not seem to be working. It didn't work in "Nightboat" either.

Nigel has run over his glass, causing a flat, and is swerving. My god, he seems to have run over Nick, who is still covering his face, and an uncredited Third World native. Wait, it wasn't Nick after all -- it was his double from the All She Wants Is video! The real Nick Rhodes is still in the car! Wait, he has gotten out of the car and is hailing a taxi to the next event!

Meanwhile Simon le Bon, after wasting several moments practicing dramatic eye poses in his reflection, has insisted on breaking everyone else's glass and throwing it in the road.

The next event is the pull-the-bra-off-the-mannequin contest.

Nigel appears to be trying to get the bra off of Simon's mannequin. Oh no, Nigel, be fair. The boys are now squabbling over the mannequin and \-- Nigel's mannequin has taken off her own bra and thrown it at him!

Simon, now second in the race, rushes to rip the bra from his mannequin's chest. But wait, it's not a mannequin at all, but one of the female attendants! She has begun screaming and has ripped Simon's head napkin from off his noggin, and has tossed it to a small dog who is tearing it to bits. Simon has begun to cry. Mrs. le Bon is rushing out of the audience and is scolding the attendant who has upset her son. . . the son that she bore unto this world.

Nick has managed to find a taxi and has broken the glass by looking into it sans maquillage. He has arrived at his mannequin, and, my god, the mannequin is throwing the bra at him. Correction, it was not a mannequin at all, but a rather amorous fan. Nick is now stopping to sign a couple of autographs and to take a picture with another admirer who is dressed, remarkably, exactly like him. 

What? What in the hell is going on here? Nick Rhodes has just been shot in the face with a poisonous mixture of hair chemicals by a fan holding a copy of "Andy Warhol's Diary"!

But what's this? It seems that, my god, this is horrible -- Simon leBon, having just had a rather severe Baudelaire flashback, has just stabbed himself in the heart and has therefore disqualified himself from the race. Anne le Bon is running onto the playing field. She has tripped. She has lost her shoe. But she is up again!

By this rather bizarre process of elimination it seems that Nigel the Thrust is the new winner of the Washtup Popstar Award 1989. As winner he will receive a recording contract to duet with Paul McCartney, a year's supply of Retin-A, a guaranteed monthly mention in "Tiger Beat," and an unlimited bar tab at any Hard Rock Cafe around the world.

We'd like to thank you all for attending this year's Washtup Popstar Extravaganza. We would like to sincerely thank a myriad of music critics and one particularly uncooperative music company for absolutely nothing. With champale wishes and tuna fish dreams, this is Robin the Leech for the EMI radio network.


End file.
